Why Thanksgiving is not Christmas.

I found myself constantly berating my family for their behavior over Thanksgiving break—Katie was popping in Amy Grant's Christmas CD, Mum bought the egg nog the two days before thanksgiving, and everywhere was the undeniable spark of Christmas cheer. Do not misunderstand me; I love Christmas deeply. It is my favourite holiday of them all. However, there is a time and a place for everything. My parents, in their desperation to have done with my tradition-whoring, hinted that "perhaps someone should draw up a list of guidelines and rules for proper Thanksgiving and Christmas etiquette". I took the hint. Here is a preliminary first draft:

Concerning Christmas and its Preparation

• First and foremost, Christmas decorations are not to be put up in any place before Thanksgiving dinner has been eaten. If lights have been hung or animated Santa icons have been erected, they are not to be activated or provided any power until the Friday after Thanksgiving (i.e. the third Friday of November)
  
• Christmas music, and most importantly Amy Grant's Christmas album, is not to be played until after Thanksgiving dinner.
  
  • (It brings in far too much Christmas spirit. There can be NO flexibility for this rule)
    
• As regards the "Christmas Tree": The night of Thanksgiving dinner—and only after all guests have left—the Father and first-born male son are to go out into the world and employ any means necessary for the acquisition of a "Christmas Tree". If they bring it back the same night and all family members are present and willing, decorations may commence.
  
  • If the first born son is not present, the second-born must take his place, etc.
    
  • If no sons are present the father may pick a worthy daughter. If none are present, or none present are worthy, he may ask any of the extended family, up to the second cousins, for help. If none can help, the father must go and acquire the tree by himself.
    
  • If no father is available, and no sons, and no daughters, or no worthy daughters, a woodsman may be hired.
    
  • If no woodsman is available, etc. then those who remain in the family may console themselves with a viewing of the Charlie Brown Christmas special.
    
• As regards "Egg Nog": None may be drunk until after Thanksgiving dinner—and only after all the guests have left.
  
  • If at all possible, it ought to be drunk with a sprinkling of Nutmeg.
    
• As regards "Christmas Cookies": Cookies created with Christmas specifically in mind are not to be eaten until after Thanksgiving dinner, etc. However, sugar cookies, gingerbread, etc. are permissible if they are not decorated in recognizable Christmas patterns (ie. Red and White, Red and green, snowmen, Santa, North Pole elves, bags of toys, etc.) It can be difficult to recognize the creators' intent, however. Therefore, careful attention must be paid to what is implied/spoken when the cookies are given. Phrases such as "Merry Christmas!" or "Thank God for Jesus!" are indicative of a Christmas intent; cookies presented with these greetings should be disposed of or put in a safe out-of-the-way place until Thanksgiving dinner has been consumed.
  
  • Hanukkah cookies and Kwanza cookies are permissible, though they should be eaten in a context which says, "I am not filled with joy for Christmas yet."
    
• As regards "Christmas Apparel": Nothing with a recognizable Christmas "logo" or design or saint may be worn before Thanksgiving dinner has been eaten, and it is preferable that none is worn until the day after Thanksgiving.
  
  • In the case of Santa hats, they may be worn for costume in a non-Christmas related event, such as Halloween or a themed dance. Orphan marches are also permitted, but not Pro-Christmas marches (at least until after Thanksgiving). However, in all instances in which one is to be found in public wearing a Santa hat, he or she must refrain from Christmas spirit. Phrases such as "Ho-ho-ho" (3 successive "ho's") or "Joy to the World" are not permitted.