"‘O King Nebuchadnezzar, to you it is spoken: The kingdom has departed from you, and you shall be driven from among men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field. And you shall be made to eat grass like an ox, and seven periods of time shall pass over you, until you know that the Most High rules the kingdom of men and gives it to whom he will.’”
–Daniel 4:31-32
When I woke in the middle of the night I had hoofs. It was uncomfortable in the bed, and the air was thick and heavy, so I rose to go outside. I only wanted a quick walk out in the night air. It didn’t seem like much. So I went out to my bath and took a quick dip under the moonlight. That was when I saw the hoofs. I assumed it was a dream, and thought to tell Belteshazzar the next morning. I resolved to just let the dream run its course and washed as best I could, then went straight back to bed. The next morning I was right as rain, and went straight to breakfast to ask Belteshazzar’s opinion on the matter.
Well, for some reason, I had to wait some time to get an answer. That night I not only woke up with hoofs, but a tail. And the next night I was quite sure I had gotten a pair of horns as well. Each night I went out to the bath and washed myself as best I could, though it got quite a bit harder as time went on. Every day I pressured Belteshazzar for an answer. On the third day he came and told me that it had begun—that the judgment of the Lord was coming on. He seemed to think that was a good enough explanation. Well, it wasn’t. I had him taken off food for several days in the hopes that hunger might sharpen his powers of interpretation.
In the meantime, my dreams became more and more vivid. Along with the hoofs and tail and horns I began to notice a swelling in my belly, as well, that didn’t go away. Courtiers were whispering about “Nebuchadnezzar the Stout” and my favorite concubine seemed to find it difficult to fulfill her duties. I stopped eating so much; it doesn’t do to go out to battle with a full load of lard, after all. However, I suppose this only made things worse. I began to eat in my dreams—just small things, of course, like a few lilies and some leaves here and there. When I woke to find three of my favourite palms ravaged in the morning with my favorite gardener in tears I realized with some horror that I was not dreaming at all.
When I realized this, of course, I lumbered over to Belteshazzar’s quarters and demanded an audience with him. He emerged quite gaunt and hungry-looking, though I couldn’t help but notice a small smile when he saw my enlarged frame. I ordered the servants away and confronted him with the delicacies of the past few days. He only shook his head and muttered something about “the will of the Lord” and my obedience. I, in turn, muttered vague hints to him of his inevitable execution if he could not tell me how to cure this strange lycanthropy. He said nothing. I told him he had three days to think it over before I would subject him to the tender mercies of the underworld. It was my kingdom, and my authority to which he must answer. I hoped my words put things in perspective for him. He simply smiled graciously and bowed low. “Whatever you say, Man-King Nebuchadnezzar,” he said in the most fulsome, honeyed tone I have ever heard. I scoffed and turned to leave. I swear I heard a snigger, but I stayed my anger.
That night I awoke with a curiously strong appetite. I was also covered from head to toe in course ruddy fur. By all accounts I had become an ox, strong and fat with long horns and a mane of thick hair. My legs and arms had stiffened, become skinny and weak. I was a mountain of flesh. I found it difficult to rise from my bed, and in my frustrations accidentally let loose a yell of despair, which emerged from my lips—and I will never forget this—as the long, dumb low of a beast of burden. My blood froze and I kept as still as possible, but the damage was done. My concubine woke suddenly and, finding herself in bed with a seven-foot brute, let loose a loud scream. Before I knew it the room was filled with my personal bodyguards, all of them confused and angry, shouting at my concubine.
“Where is the king?”
“What have you done with him?”
“Answer us, wretch! What sort of sick joke is this?”
All the poor girl could do was gurgle in terror, and in a fit, I suppose, the lead guard took it into his head to slit the poor thing open. My mind was numb with embarrassment and shock. The guards had no sooner killed my lover than Belteshazzar burst into the room, his face a strange mixture of amusement and horror. The guards stood silent as he came to my bedside and raised his hands.
“Oh, foolish king,” he clucked his tongue and smiled, though not with pleasure. I suppose he no longer found the situation funny. “Didn’t I say to you that you would be driven from among men; that you would live with beasts of the field? Didn’t I tell you that you would eat grass like an ox, and you would be wet with the dew of heaven?” He shook his head. “Seven years shall pass and then, when your mind has all but wasted away you will finally see who rules the workings of men.” He chuckled. “That is, if you do not already see it clearly enough now!”
I was furious. The cheek! This was the ultimate humiliation: laid on my side like some sacrifice, and Belteshazzar talking to me as though I were a child. I tried again to speak, to put him in his place, tell the guards to cut him up, but all I could manage was a deep throaty cow-call. I tried again and again but with no success. He looked down at me and whispered in my ear.
“Ox-king. Don’t worry. You’ll be taken care of, I promise. I hope you like the taste of grass.” I hated him so much, wanted to rip him open with my bare hands, but all I had were hoofs and a belly groaning and empty—a cow’s belly. I was powerless. I was pathetic.
Belteshazzar turned to my men.
“Well, then. Clean up this mess! And I want the ox out of here. Do you want the king’s chamber to smell like manure? Hurry.” They did as he said and before I knew it I was on my four legs, being led out of the palace. I dug my feet into the ground but when I did the men took out whips and began to beat me. I let out a cry and began walking. I walked through the palace gates out into the city, and there the men gave me to a man with a rat-face, and he drove me through the city, whipping me as it took his fancy. Soon we were out of the city on a small road, and it was raining. I was tired, and hated the bastard for his cheek, but I was powerless.
The rest of the details make very little sense. I vaguely remember being angry, hating Belteshazzar, hating my servants for leaving me in the middle of a vast field. I eventually forgot the things I was angry about—the smell of perfume, the taste of anything but grass. I went on for a few days feeling angry for no reason and then I stopped feeling. I may have woken up a few mornings naked and human, but I didn’t know it. I stopped thinking. I began to enjoy the field, which was lush and filled with the most beautiful plants. I lived under the stars. When it grew cold, I was cold, and when it was warm, I was warm. When it rained I endured. There was a drought one summer and I almost died. The vultures were circling me for a day or two, but it rained and there were things to eat.
There was a herd of oxen that came into the field for a year. A hunter killed many of them—nearly killed me, too. And then one day things changed. I was out in the field, eating grass, and I suddenly saw an ant colony. A kingdom of ants! And they were all bustling around, futile, worried for their future. Several bit me. They were simply afraid. And when they bit me I realized for the first time how very much I had been like those ants, building their glory to the sky, so very worried, so very afraid of anything bigger. I thought to myself, I could ram their home with my horns and they would have nowhere to live. And I remembered. It was a beautiful moment. I was filled with wonder and awe, and it began to rain and as it rained my skin melted off, and I was a man again, whole, standing naked in the middle of the field, covered with ant bites and filled with awe. It was, I think, an epiphany.
I came back to the palace a seeming madman, singing praises and ranting about the glory of the Most High. It took them some time to realize I was not insane. Once they realized who I was they welcomed me back with open arms. It was quite a smooth process. Belteshazzar had kept my throne open and my kingdom well-tended in my absence. We are planning a feast to celebrate.
